Believe in Trueblood

Due to popular cultural references and general weirdness, I find that people don't believe that Trueblood is my real name. To prove that Mark Trueblood is real, I offer to you the following pieces of dramatically compelling evidence. I'm sure you'll feel a lot better knowing Mark Trueblood exists. I know I do.

Exhibit one: My Driver’s License

As you can see, this driver’s license issued by the State of Florida displays my proper name, Mark Trueblood. This is absolute proof, because the government is always right.

Exhibit two: The Trueblood Family Crest

I humbly offer to you the Trueblood Family Crest. Every morning, I weep in silent contemplation of these meaningful symbols:

The Standing Cat.

In 1876, Jehosephat Trueblood of Evansville, Indiana had his cat stolen by his next-door neighbor and archnemesis, Captain Elijah Bllargh. For three days and three nights, Jehosephat knocked on Bllargh’s front door. Finally, Bllargh consented to give his cat back. The townspeople of Evansville were so taken with Jehosephat’s perseverance that they deemed December 4^th Standing Cat Day.

The Ball and Chain.

Throppingshire, England is famous for two things. One is its delicious beer-battered pork pudding pies. The other is the Lady Hortense Trueblood. Hortense lived in Throppingshire from 1692-1751, and was well-known for her irascible disposition. Every Tuesday morning, she came to market carrying a medieval ball-and-chain, and shook it menacingly at shopkeepers who were unable to beer-batter her pork pudding pies fast enough. The shopkeepers dreaded the sound of clink-clink on their doorstep.

But then on one foggy Tuesday morning, a villainous highwayman came to town. He said “Give me your entire stock of boiled eels and sheep kidneys, or I will sell your pork pudding recipe to the rest of the world.”  The constabulary was helpless in the face of such wantonness. Lo and behold, Lady Hortense Trueblood came on the scene with her ball-and-chain, and chased the highwayman out of the village. The citizenry of Throppingshire cheered, and named Lady Hortense honorary ambassador to Atlantis. A title she holds to this day, from beyond the grave.

The Green Alien

The year 3032 A.D. was very momentous for the Trueblood family name, for in that year, Earth’s galactic invaders named Miss Sweedto Tuk Tuk Trueblood our backward planet’s most evolved organism. The aliens were most impressed with her prodigious telepathic skills, as well as her ability to do a one-fingered keg stand. (Keg standing being a sacred ritual to them.) We salute Sweedto Trueblood, and thank our green-hued overlords for not making humanity into a giant smoothie yet.